BEWARE: Raving lunatic

Tonight was an exercise in frustration, culminating in a very cool storm that took some of the edge off. But I'm still feeling the effects of an ear + eye infection. I started the meds today.

I want a house. I wish I knew where I will be living for the next three years. My rent house is still a mess of craft crap and general overflow and I have a houseguest arriving (for a month) in two days. I've been working on it a few hours each night but I'm tired and my ear hurts. :(

I want to do too much, learn to much, be too much, I fail on all counts because I can't stick with one thing.

I'm also pissed I don't have a stinkin razorblade to peel off the old registration sticker off my windshield and put the new one on. I'm out of energy and at my wits end today. And this with no children. Arrrgh! I could never be a mommy. I'd freak the f*ck out and check myself into a mental health clinic and never come back.

OK, sandy pants is going to bed now, intent upon waking up in a better mood.

-Cara

Big chain grocery stores.

[shiver.] Bright lights, frustrated children, creative packaging raking my eye across every item, it drives me to distraction. I love it so much I hate it. Nutrition & ingredient lists to pour over... mourning the loss of my favorite salsa (East Side Cafe) and trying to remember if I've had [Jose, Clint, Juanita - enter any name here]' s Fire-Roasted ______ Salsa before and hated it... choosing an Activia flavor for the week. I can spend 10 minutes on this question alone: am I feeling like Kix, Museli or Cheerios? Ach. John doesn't love this. Either he drops me off at the "glitter & makeup aisle" where I spend 20 minutes looking for that must-have item I'll never wear, or I pry 1/3 of the list out of his [unwilling] palm and I have a mission to beat his time on gathering the other 2/3 or he's going to get a little stern with me. Mostly, he tries to go without me. He'd rather buy my tampons than have to wonder where I am while he stands with an armful of groceries for 15 minutes letting others go ahead of him. (I'm probably in the salad dressing aisle, trying to choose between vinaigrettes.)

My favorite Small Grocery Store:
Sun Harvest off Anderson Ln

My favorite Big Grocery Store, + only place John buys fresh meat:
Central Market

My MOST HATED Grocery Store:
HEB on Burnet Rd. - you suck! I only go to you out of convenience since you are three blocks from my hizzle.

My favorite Grocery Store when I was young + single + bra-less:
HEB on Red River near 45th

:)

Default Cara is in...what can I not do for you?

There is a phenomena that occurs when I try to do more than one thing at once. A second person emerges. It is automatic, like breathing. This is default Cara.

How can I not be of service?

Driving and talking on the phone. Often I opt to become more aware of the road than what the person on the other end is saying. The opposite happens too, and I find myself in the next town. However, the road is not paying attention to me under any circumstances, so for the sake of argument, this scenario works best when I stop giving the person on the other end the time of day. Except. I don't know I am doing it. Until I say something lame in response to their conversation.

Q "How are you today?"
A "I'm doing great."
Q "This drunk lady almost hit me today on the freeway!"
A" That's excellent!" (pleasant, vacant voice)

The conversation goes downhill from there, as I struggle to find out what I missed while I was looking for my exit.

I know, the anti-"car + cell-phone" peeps will be all over my ass for this post. NOTICE: You would be missing the point.

I had to actually tell someone about "default Cara" today, I was accidentally so rude at table. If people are talking around me, I cannot focus on the conversation I'm having for very long. Anyway, she graciously told me she liked default Cara just fine, not to worry. Ha! How awesome.

My husband has gotten used to it, but obviously would rather have me than my "default" self. When I get like that, all glassy eyed, faux smile and noddy-noddy, he says ,"Cara, can I have your attention, please? I'd like to finish my story," very patiently. I turn to look at him, guilty as charged, thinking my high school English teach was much easier to fool, dammit. God, I love him.

and they call me tittie boone.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Clearly, there is a lack of propriety, disrespect for womankind, and anti-feminist messaging radiating from this moniker.

But I think it may grow on me. Inappropriate IS kinda what we do best...sigh.

Speaking of my new last name:

I FINALLY GOT RID OF THE LATE GRANDMOTHER-IN-LAW'S HUGEMONGOUS CHINA CABINET FROM 1992. Thank you, Angelique, for needing an entire cabinet system in your kitchen. Now I can get my late grandmother's simple & tiny 50's china cabinet that works with my tiny house & decor a little better, as long as you ignore all the decor from above-mentioned late-grandmother-in-law's home that I accidentally asked for, hoping for something really awesome AND trying to be accomodating to my new family who seemed to want us to ask for it. That was very dumb of me, and I have reaped many helpings of shit upon myself for it. Or at least, I handed the ladle to my step-mother-in-law and let her do it, because it's clearly one of her favorite activities, as a retiree. She's the "pissing on your parade" type of woman; I try to give her a chance to do so regularly. My selfishness and untrustworthiness was hooted far & wide in my new fam. She tried (and accomplished) to stop my attempts at a garage sale, threatening to come root around in it for her husband's mothers' treasure which I was obviously tossing without my poor husbands complicity.

Plastic "wood-look-alike" wall clock, anyone? anyone? still got it... no one wanted it!
Needlecraft framed art - one of a bible verse and one of some fruit.
Plastic Santa statuette.
Stained tablecloths in early-90's mulberry & navy tones.
Threadbare $4 blankets in a variety of sixties puke, oops I meant puce tones

Seriously, we kept a lot of things, things we do not need or necessarily want - but that we felt we outght to keep. We found some really cool stuff too, and do treasure it.

Anyways,

This post has made me miss my husband. Also, scaring myself shitless reading a Nora Roberts trilogy book last night about demons with red eyes also made me miss my husband last night, since he makes me feel safe and I rarely have nightmares when he's in our bed. It did not help that I had turned on the space heater and in the dark, the two red light appeared to be two red eyes when I was laying down. Yes, I convinced myself I was warm enough and turned it off. What do you expect when Nora Roberts books scare me????

New Years Resolutions I will inevitably break with wild abandon.

1. Spend less
2. Floss more then once a month
3. Clean the house waaaay more often
4. Get involved in community thru volunteering
5. Exercise more often
6. Take a class in sewing/quilting (and finish it)


More likely Resolutions:
1. Stay positive (you are doing pretty good there)
2. Get a sewing area set up somewhere in the house
3. Sew my first kimono-ette (somewhat shapelier than a true kimono, with less moving parts)
4. Take a sewing class and get at least halfway thru before dropping out
5. Send John a care package per month or more

I may post nude pictures of my butt, in the hopes we can encourage me to exercise a little so it turns back into "best ass on the block" material. Can I do that??

i feel like a virgin all over again

First post in what, well over a year?

Personal update: married to a dashing soldier I've loved for two years and a few months now. Sigh. He is in Iraq, but soon enough home to me to fight and make up all the day long. He is a romantic one, and I am getting spoiled methinks, at least certainly getting used to it. Marriage can be quite mushy and lovey-dovey, but you know I think I secretly like it, and I certainly participate.

New Year update: I do have a new favorite restaurant in Austin, as of 8:26 pm today when I spooned the glorious green curry chicken and veggies over steaming brown rice and proceeded to eat until I came to abruptly, realizing I had eaten roughly 2/3 more than intended. Ah, heavenly Thai Cuisine on Parmer! Delish. Go eat there.

Happy New Year! Resolution post coming soon!

how do people write about stuff? i want to learn. my brain is full of cottony goodness, with some rot thrown in there--juuuuust for fun...

yoga. yes, that is my other goal for this month of april 2007. the other was getting online. Its the 3rd. good girl!

i need some tricks. some mental tricks that increase vocabulary so i dont have to use the same word in a paragraph separated by a mere two words and a period.

and you know what else? tricks is not even the word i need, not even close. dang. exercises is closer, but what an awful word. blech. brain boosting...thingies. yes. those things you do to increase brain power. a bit word-volumn..uous? *sigh*

if i go back to high school to learn vocabulary again can it be like grease 2? you promise? will there be a ladder and nerdy englishmen on bikes that i won't like much until the very end when i'm being burned by my ex's cigarette in a faux pond?

ok. sold. fuck you sandy, there is a new bitch in town. and we can sing Reproduction and talk about our stamens while the twins cry but really they are the biggest whores in town. so there. your car can't really ride off into the clouds anyway. you're dumb.

fuck me i'm boring

I'm not feeling very creative today.
or yesterday.
or last year.
hrrmmph.

slump
bump
tump
frump
grump
dump
lump
trump
jump
mump--that is totally stretching it.

Look at me, my first day back online in months. And I am wasting it by being boring.

Of course you would, girl, you've little thought in your head most days.

I hate the Iraqi war that we started.

God, that looked like it hurt.

yeah. i got nuthin.

xoxo,
-moi

hallucination genny

i'd like to build one.
to fuel without using.

its just,
i'd like to keep all my teeth.

-hallucination genny.

i found a hole

AHA.

i found a hole
heavy with an obnoxious lack of existence.

someone had their hand over it
it took mere seconds to be positive
it was there.

eyes squeezed tight so they wouldn't leak...
embarrassingly obvious there was
nothing beneath his palm.

just some remains of the outside world
coaxed then corraled then
haphazardly shoved into the abyss
floating and sinking to the salted floor.

i found a hole
hurting

he found the hole
easy

i need to fill it.
somehow.

peering down
i see
a saltflat with tear ducts
half-buried, half-eaten hearts
and helping hands
shiny objects and bits
of books
used condom and
candy wrappers
like carrion.

but maybe it isn't a hole.
maybe its isn't 3 dimensional at all.
maybe filling it isn't the objective.
i'm thinking a dirty canvas
still takes paint.