as a Person. generally, i am too "understanding" of other's neurosis. i don't care if they get it, as long as i do, and if i do, i excuse a hell of a lot of things. it comes from being in a most fucked up family of unconditional love. you get used to forgiving people their trespasses, believe it.
but feeling used. and the difference between having someone appreciate your helping hand and using you is the quiet sound on the other end of line when you know the person wants you to volunteer/stick your neck out. the sound of guilt- without that noise you could believe you meant something to them as a Person. not as a mere means to an end, whether it be emotional or monetary or otherwise. all this time.
quite painful. i am extricating myself from this most unholy mess. without a fight. just with a smile and a nod. it will be tacit. and understood. my tone of voice will change. my words will become surface gliders. i will not be here anymore. and i think thats best for everyone.
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3 comments:
Your only a doormat if you let people step on you. They will keep wiping their feet on your back if you let them.
People will only use you if you let them. For many, door mats are cheap and easy to find. As a human being, you are worth more then that.
yep. i wrote that 10 minutes after just realizing i was being a doormat. and believe it, doormat is not my usual MO, i am much too self-centered for that role. ;) it was quite shocking to figure out, but when i did, i just did what i had to do. not in any forceful or dramatic way. realistically, i was just blind to the person's personality type. of course it hurt my feelings, but i wear them on my shirtsleeves, of course they get mashed often. thats all me, baby, i know that. but you can't force change. it will or it won't happen as i get older. we shall see.
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