you know, i really don't like being used,

as a Person. generally, i am too "understanding" of other's neurosis. i don't care if they get it, as long as i do, and if i do, i excuse a hell of a lot of things. it comes from being in a most fucked up family of unconditional love. you get used to forgiving people their trespasses, believe it.

but feeling used. and the difference between having someone appreciate your helping hand and using you is the quiet sound on the other end of line when you know the person wants you to volunteer/stick your neck out. the sound of guilt- without that noise you could believe you meant something to them as a Person. not as a mere means to an end, whether it be emotional or monetary or otherwise. all this time.

quite painful. i am extricating myself from this most unholy mess. without a fight. just with a smile and a nod. it will be tacit. and understood. my tone of voice will change. my words will become surface gliders. i will not be here anymore. and i think thats best for everyone.